trigger warning

Chapter 1


Trigger warning;
Clenched fists, wide smiles, the smell of tobacco, flowery pink curtains.
For three months i repeated the same things over and over again like a waterfall of lies i thought were truths coming from my shaking mouth.
“it was a good relationship.”
“we never really fought.”
“it came out of nowhere.”

Trigger warning;
Small houses, vanity mirrors, shirt dresses, boys with glasses they refuse to wear.
Sometimes if i think maybe if he had worn his glasses he would have understood what he was doing to me, maybe if he had worn his glasses i would have seen the reflection of everything he was doing wrong, maybe he didn’t wear his glasses because he didn’t want to have to see my lips move as i tried to choke out the word “no.”
“he was a good guy.”
“my reaction was unfair.”
“i didn’t deserve him.”

Trigger warning;
Pink walls, dim lights, open windows, dirty talking.
I woke up crying three times last week. I can still feel an anchor on my chest weighing me down, and no matter how many times you say a safe word, you’re still never going to feel “safe,” and sometimes i find myself whispering safe words to myself as if they can help me now, as if they’ll somehow turn back time and change what happened, as if they weren’t designed to be collars of glass fashioned to fit my neck just a little too tight, as if every time he ignored me it wasn’t another tug on the collar, as if my hands havent been covered in my own blood for over a year, as if he had apologised or as if i had made him.
“i’m sorry i cried.”
“don’t be upset because i’m upset.”
“i promise i’ll try to get it together.”

Trigger warning;
Safe words, men’s ties, the way a stranger walks down the street, the way your friends laugh with your rapist.
It’s hard to pinpoint exactly who is a bad guy. Bad guys will call you beautiful and hold you when you cry. Bad guys will compliment your mother on her cooking and your grandmother on her baking. Bad guys will try to cure your depression, your anxiety, your eating disorders. Bad guys will swallow you whole with their smiles.
and you?
You’ll convince yourself that you wanted him to.
Honey, loving someone is like handing them a map of your weak spots along with a manual of how to get out of any wrong they might do you,
Because in ten months did you ever once accuse him of the truth of what was going on?
Ten months telling yourself it’s all in your head,
Ten months pretending that everything was fine,
Ten months barely thinking about it enough to let yourself come to the conclusion you came to when you finally fell out of love.
Love is dangerous because you handed yourself over on a silver platter to a boy who didn’t know how to handle girls made out of glass and you loved him too much to explain to him that no meant no and that if you tried to push him off you, it meant you wanted him off you.
Darling, i think you starved yourself of nourishment for so long that your voicebox forgot how to work.
Does anyone hear you when you scream?
Do you even hear yourself?

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