
Inumbro
https://animoto.com/play/xL1YtaS9gV1rJSp6UynV0Q
This was a dare by my friend, so she came up with the big idea behind this story http://www.quibblo.com/user/Qoruai_Unuara
But please still let me know your honest opinions to this s
Chapter 1
Chapter 1
The night in Detroit, Michigan was a dangerous time of day for anyone who was walking alone. Everyday crooks and gangs lurked the dark streets, waiting on their prey in an animalistic approach. Blood and pain didn't seem to bother them if the creatures of Detroit could get a hold of money or something even better.
None of the warnings about our beloved Detroit seemed to faze Gill Lloyd though. She was certain that her neighbors and father had just told her those things to create fear in her mind so she would behave herself instead of acting like a rebellious, unreliable, and reckless 15-year-old girl. So like the bold but foolish girl Gill was, she snuck out of her father's house in the graveyard hours of the night before a new day could begin, already dolled up in makeup and clothing to match the night feels.
The darkness didn't scare her, in fact Gill felt a sense of calming before the wave of adrenaline hit as she walked out of the safe community her father lived in and towards downtown where who knows what would be waiting for her in the shadows. If anything, the unknown seemed to welcome Gill. She never looked back; she just kept walking, her heels clicking along the dark pavement. Out of the corner of her eyes, she could see movements in the alleys and beady eyes following her strides. It brought a smirk to her young, freckled face. She found it amusing that whoever was watching her was just watching.
"So much for dangerous." Gill thought out loud, licking her glossed lips as she stopped under a street lamp.
A laugh from behind her erupted and Gill merely turned her head, furrowing her eyebrows as a young man resting in the shadows spoke, "You aren't from here are you?"
"How'd you guess?" Gill asked, her tone reflecting no interest at all to the unknown man.
"It's simple. Isn't it?" The young man replied, smirking with amusement, "Listen to your own attitude. No girl your age-"
"My age?" Gill interrupted, tossing her brown hair back over her right shoulder, "Listen bud, age doesn't have anything to do with the decision I made."
He snickered and stepped into the light slightly, revealing only half of his face. Gill took a notice quickly to what she could see. His strong but smooth jaw went along nicely with his dark rectangular eyes, but there was something about him that took all the comfort the darkness had given her suddenly away.
"What? Did you suddenly lose that safe sensation?" The young man taunted while a devilish expression crossed the part of his face that Gill could see.
She shook her head in response and lied through her teeth, knowing there was no way she was going to lose her poise over some guy that gave off an eerie feel, "Of course not."
He snickered and shrugged his shoulders before sinking back into the shadows causing Gill to not hear another peep out of him. She smiled and let out the breath she was holding in and sighed, "Finally, he's gone."
Relaxation took over through her mind and she stood there in the darkness of Detroit streets, alone, vulnerable, and words hot on her tongue. Before she closed her eyes to relax further though, a quick jolting shot went through her arm and out her other arm as she fell to the ground not feeling a thing. The world spun and spun and spun until she could no longer see the city lanterns.
None of the warnings about our beloved Detroit seemed to faze Gill Lloyd though. She was certain that her neighbors and father had just told her those things to create fear in her mind so she would behave herself instead of acting like a rebellious, unreliable, and reckless 15-year-old girl. So like the bold but foolish girl Gill was, she snuck out of her father's house in the graveyard hours of the night before a new day could begin, already dolled up in makeup and clothing to match the night feels.
The darkness didn't scare her, in fact Gill felt a sense of calming before the wave of adrenaline hit as she walked out of the safe community her father lived in and towards downtown where who knows what would be waiting for her in the shadows. If anything, the unknown seemed to welcome Gill. She never looked back; she just kept walking, her heels clicking along the dark pavement. Out of the corner of her eyes, she could see movements in the alleys and beady eyes following her strides. It brought a smirk to her young, freckled face. She found it amusing that whoever was watching her was just watching.
"So much for dangerous." Gill thought out loud, licking her glossed lips as she stopped under a street lamp.
A laugh from behind her erupted and Gill merely turned her head, furrowing her eyebrows as a young man resting in the shadows spoke, "You aren't from here are you?"
"How'd you guess?" Gill asked, her tone reflecting no interest at all to the unknown man.
"It's simple. Isn't it?" The young man replied, smirking with amusement, "Listen to your own attitude. No girl your age-"
"My age?" Gill interrupted, tossing her brown hair back over her right shoulder, "Listen bud, age doesn't have anything to do with the decision I made."
He snickered and stepped into the light slightly, revealing only half of his face. Gill took a notice quickly to what she could see. His strong but smooth jaw went along nicely with his dark rectangular eyes, but there was something about him that took all the comfort the darkness had given her suddenly away.
"What? Did you suddenly lose that safe sensation?" The young man taunted while a devilish expression crossed the part of his face that Gill could see.
She shook her head in response and lied through her teeth, knowing there was no way she was going to lose her poise over some guy that gave off an eerie feel, "Of course not."
He snickered and shrugged his shoulders before sinking back into the shadows causing Gill to not hear another peep out of him. She smiled and let out the breath she was holding in and sighed, "Finally, he's gone."
Relaxation took over through her mind and she stood there in the darkness of Detroit streets, alone, vulnerable, and words hot on her tongue. Before she closed her eyes to relax further though, a quick jolting shot went through her arm and out her other arm as she fell to the ground not feeling a thing. The world spun and spun and spun until she could no longer see the city lanterns.
83 Comments
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First chapter was completely enthralling! I loved how you used the third person to create and eerie feel even though the character felt completely safe!
Thanks x3
This is really good
thank you
This is really good
Well, chapter eight was certainly painful
It was a great chappy, though! Keep on going! :D
Yeah..
And thanks
Wow, that first chapter was incredible! You are a great writer and I love how much you have already developed Gill. I'm so excited to read the next chapter, but I have to go offline now. I will read the rest of this story later for sure!
Thanks x3
And alright :)
Woah! This is awesome!
Thanks ^^
I'm starting to get the feel of the story. Definitely more comic book style. Like X-Men.
There's a feeling that conversations are a little too engineered, like you're not quite sure what they are meant to be doing. Grammar seems mostly correct. There's a few words I'd use differently, but I think that's a language thing (because we're from different countries) One suggestion Chap 4. effects you don't want to feel like paralysis, hallucination (I would put 'feel - like') so it's not so confusing
Alright thank you
Chap 2. However, her attempt and failed and Gill was thrown back - this sentence needs attention.
army of men all dressed in a black suit - maybe in black suits (sounds like the whole army is wearing one suit. Quite a funny image really.)
I'm not sure if this story is supposed to be real or comic book style. Gill seems to fluctuate between naive, slutty and mentally unbalanced. I feel like it needs some tightening to make it work.
I'll change those two things. Thanks
and slutty? hm. Never thought that one before. :P But she's supposed to be unstable. And it's not supposed to be realistic either since it is simply fiction.
Thanks for all your critiques though.
Hey, thanks for the invite.
Chapter 1. Dusk seems out of place in your description. Dusk is just after sunset.
I know that, but thanks. I'm just not sure what to put in its place. I've used night too many times in that chapter. Thanks for your constructive criticism though. Do you have any other critiques or comments with the grammar... idea.. etc?
What about 'in the graveyard hours', or 'the lost hours', or 'lonely hours'? Something like that.
Oh my goodness gracious. I just read all of the chapters, because I hadn't seen it yet! This is so good!
I imagine Tanner as a burned Joey Graceffa. Idk why.
But seriously continue.
Thanks x)
And I'll write the next chapter when I think of another idea for it x)