I'm Done

Chapter 1

Im done

im so sick of this....i switched schools awhile back, and my phone broke so i lost all my old contacts, so i email them instead for a little bit. Everyone in my life offline is a complete jerk except for two people who ( even though they try hard ) barely ever get the chance to talk to me anymore. I expect myself to be crying or something from what has happened, but i dont feel anything. nothing at all. just empty. people at my new school dont talk to me at all.....there are a couple who do, but they dont really want to talk to me, they avoid it if they can. Thinking about life a lot lately....and i realized one thing.
Even though for a big part of my life, ive been depressed, ive cut, ive even tried starving myself. I havent cut in a long time. one day i was helping a friend who was gonig through what i was at the time, and my parents found out. dad didnt care. mom got angry and asked what did i even know about cutting and depression. Until now, i was always wearing a sort-of mask. It made people believe i was happy. All i did was smile around people. behind closed doors, i cried myself to sleep. i cut my wrists only to see if someone would notice the marks so i could stop. once things got really bad.....and i almost killed myself......not too proud of that moment in particular...
So when she said that I got angry and got into an argument. At one point, i told her everything just to prove a point. Her reaction? she called me a liar, said it never happened.....none of it.....even now if i bring up something like that, she will still call me a liar......god...
but even though ive done all these things, I find one simple fact that i can hold on to and know for sure that it is true. I may not be suicidal, but I am not afriad of dying. Im afraid of pain, but thats a natural instinct pressed hard into any living thing, and im afraid of going crazy. I know death is too, but Im not afraid to die. I could shoot myself right now and never flinch away to avoid the bullet. The only reason im still here, is part because i want to see how far i can get with my lazy a55, partly because, even if it might not seem like it, i know it would hurt the people around me, and the one thing i do not want is to cause pain. So i try not to get close to people, so that if something happens and i waver, i know they wont be as affected as if we were close. One warning to anyone reading this. Dont get attached to people, no matter what you think, cause everyone has a point where they will hurt you, or toss you aside. You dont get attached and you dont get hurt. If you always expect worse from people, when they do good, you will be pleasently surprised for a moment, when they do bad, you wont be hurt badly, and you wont be able to say that you were surprised. I live by this and it proves right time after time again. hopefully you wont have to live this way. I pity anyone who does. Its madness. Of which i have plenty. I've watched people get hurt, crying, bleeding, and barely gave them the blink of an eye. That's not normal. Worst part is, ive come to the point of not caring if im not normal. I only care if other people catch on. They I have to put the mask on for a bit, and leave them from my life. I regretfully have a tendency to do that to people, and just cut them off from my life abruptly. Its hard to see them go at first and looking back, but at the end, I utterly couldn't give a damn. I hate this part of me. god, i do. but this jack_@55 is a big b!7cH who is done. If you want more demented thoughts from my head tell me, but please dont try live like i do. Madness is a sin which thrives in the mind, spreading like wildfire to the weak and strong minded alike. ain't it a b!7cH? Haha lol ain't most things in this upside down, twisted world which we call home?


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