You Shouldn't

Chapter 1


i spent years wishing for someone to come along
and to tell me that they loved me for me.
not for the things i did for them, and not because i loved them;
just because i was who i was.
but when the time came,
and the boy dressed in black stood in front of me,
speaking in sonnets about my eyes,
and eventually getting around to stammering the statement
"i love you,"
i found that i could not immediately utter the words back.
and instead of saying "i love you too,"
i told him instead "do not love me.
my mood changes with the weather,
and the medication i take doesn't help much.
when i get bad, i'm not going to talk to you about it.
i'll talk to myself at four in the morning,
with a knife or a razor in my hand.
when i don't feel good enough,
it won't matter how many times you tell me i'm beautiful,
i will always end up in the same place,
crying over a toilet bowl or a bathroom sink
and wondering why i can't eat without counting up frighteningly large numbers in my head.
you will never wake up to me because i will not have slept.
i will be down the stairs drinking my third cup of coffee,
trying to erase the panic that happened when you were sleeping.
a liquor bottle will touch my lips more than you ever will,
because it helps me forget.
i won't pick up the phone when i'm curled up in a corner,
because i don't want to bother you,
even though you say you care.
you shouldn't love me,
because the more you love me,
the more you'll want to fix me.
but i can't be fixed,
i am more broken that a glass hurled from the top of a skyscraper.
and i'll probably end up breaking you too."
but a lot of the time,
people don't stop doing things just because you tell them
"you shouldn't."


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