Funny Insults & Comebacks

WARNING: Darth Pwnage does not approve of insulting people*

*(The small print that we hope you won't see) Unless they fall into any of the following categories: Stupidity, jerk, azzhole or moron.

Chapter 1


So here's a list of funny insults and comebacks that you can use on random people (at your own risk!) :P I didn't think up all of these insults so I take no credit for anything. Enjoy! WARNING: Explicit/adult material incoming! Another WARNING: I am not some narrow-minded twit who can't accept people for who they are, so if you see any insults in this list directed at fat, gay, ugly, etc. people, I have NOTHING against those sorts of people, there's just insults to be used against those sorts of people if you happen to know any who are jerks to you.

Funny insults:
If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be out by itself
People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse!
I'd slap you, but that would be animal abuse
The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege.
Don't piss me off today, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
A girl can kiss a guy, a bird can kiss a butterfly, the rising sun can kiss the grass, but you my friend!! Yes you!! YOU CAN KISS MY AZZ!
Until you called me I couldn't remember the last time I wanted some body's fingers to break so badly.
Beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone
Sorry I can't think of an insult stupid enough for you.
I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can diet!!!
Let's see, I've walked the dog, cleaned my room, gone shopping and gossiped with my friends... Nope, this list doesn't say that I'm required to talk to you.
Earth is full. Go home
If I could be one person for a day, it sure as hell wouldn't be you
Forget the ugly stick, you must have been born in the ugly forest!
Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what the hell happened to you?
Right now I'm sitting here looking at you, trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my azz
I am not anti-social, I just don't like you
There are some stupid people in this world. You just helped me realize it.

Funny comebacks:
Insult: You fail! Comeback: So did your dad's condom
A-are you talking? Did I give you permission to talk...?
Insult: You're ugly! Comeback: Like your face...?
OK…and that’s supposed to make me feel what?
Eureka! You've discovered I’m different than you.
Mission accomplished: I really feel bad now, so
move on.
We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.
Damn not you again...
I'm sorry I'm busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
Oh please help me, I'm sooo hurt by your hurtful comments!
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Cancel my subscriptions, I'm tired of your issues!
You have your whole life to be a jerk... So why don't you take a day off?
You don't know me, you just wish you did.
My Mom said never talk to strangers and well, since you're really strange... I guess that means I can't talk to you!
People like you are the reason I'm on medication
If you're gonna act like a dick you should wear a condom on your head so you can at least look like one!

Funny coughegoisticcough sayings:
I don't discriminate, I hate everyone
If nobody's perfect, I must be nobody
You're just pissed cause you're your tampon's in to far
I may be wrong... But I doubt it
When God made me, he was just showing off
I'm not perfect... But I'm so close to it it scares me!

Funny answer phone insults:
I really don't like you but if you really must leave a message, I'll be nice and at least pretend to care.
You know the drill... You leave a message and I ignore it!
I'm not here right now so cry me a river, build yourself a bridge, and GET OVER IT!!!
Hey, I am away from my phone but in the meantime, why don't you go play in traffic?!


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