Brief Life Update
I'm not even sure how many of you are still around, so this should be interesting? Welcome to my jumbled mess.
I realize I've been gone for at least two years, but I'm sitting in my dorm feeling lonely as ever and for some reason thought it would be a good idea to read back through some stuff I wrote when I was 16-17 years old. Truthfully, it only made me feel a horrible sadness for the person I was and that I was willing to put myself through these horrible romantic and platonic relationships because I just didn't see the big picture of what my life should be and how people should treat me. I now have an idea of what the love I deserve should look like. The problem is, I let the boys I chased when I was younger damage me to the point that I am not sure I'll be able to accept that love. Even worse, looking back at my writing now, I can see how much I blamed myself for everything that happened to me.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, but what you can take from this if you are inexperienced in love, is to take things slowly and really get to know a person before you let them put you in the position to be damaged beyond repair. I'm honestly not completely sure how I'll heal. I'm afraid to be alone in a room with a man let alone let one close to me. Even girls scare me sometimes because I've let so many people manipulate me, but as hard as it is I'm trying not to be that person anymore. Maybe I'll never succeed but I'll still be trying every time I eventually get back on my feet again.
I'm not going to lie and say I'm doing better mentally. Maybe I'm doing better in some areas, but perhaps I've just gone from one extreme to the other. I don't know how to open up to people because every since I was young people always claimed I was lying about my problems and with more recent problems, people have begun to tell me things out of my control were somehow my fault. So I sit in my dorm alone as my roommate is off at some party yet again and think about the fact that I have not made a single friend this week. I just don't have anyone here and it's killing me but I know I have to fight through it because there's no other option.
Writing this made me feel a little better. Thanks if you read it, and sorry for this mess of a story and for coming back out of nowhere, and honestly sorry for any group stories I abandoned years ago. I've never been super mentally stable or confident in my writing and now know that I should never commit to things like that when I'll only disappoint people one way or another.